The Battle with myself - My Bhagavath Geetha

Greetings and welcome to Konectiv Wellness! Gratitude for finding us and being a part of this journey. Konectiv Wellness started as 2 friends meeting up during a time of great change and upheaval, to just sit and talk about how we were feeling and how we were reacting to what was happening around us. We realised in sharing our stories that we were being present and naturally creating a new positive space through mindful awareness. Our conversations led us through our personal journeys by holding space for each other to share our stories, this ritual brought the 2 of us a great sense of peace and pride, of having come so far but also for having the faith in ourselves to make the tough changes necessary towards being our most authentic selves.

“It’s hard being yourself” this statement is so true but I also find it really funny - How and why are we so disconnected from who we truly are? Why do we spend lifetimes running away from who we are?.. Why are we hardest on ourselves? I can only answer this from my individual journey - The war I waged on myself.

I always looked back at my childhood, school and my time as a “Son &+ student” as a grainy haze - My mind always shows me a sepia toned flashback of my “Wonder years'' where a selected reel ran on loop - all the while my entire being held fort to a dark vault of “trauma” a cave of truths, The best and worst parts of what triggered my earth walk as “Mahesh. Arrvinda. Jemlisch Salwatura”. These memories I stored in my secret cloud were the stuff I just didn’t know how to face, I had no idea what to do with these truths I knew about myself. These were the parts that truly made me who I am, These were the stories only I knew which affected my everything - How I lived and loved.

Suppressing who I was with humor - My earliest memories are of humor, I loved making everyone around me laugh, but when I looked at pictures of myself I always saw a sad little boy, I hated being photographed, I hated looking at pictures of myself, I hated most parts of my physical appearance, I truly believed I was ugly. I always felt that I had to play a part, all the world was a stage and I hid myself in the dressing room under the stage and only came out to play a very “normal boy” afraid of being found out, constantly telling myself to deny who I knew I was, spending so much of my energies into re-packaging myself to fit into the life I was given.

I despised my time in school because I feared being “outed”, I was in an all boys Christian school, I had strange, strong feelings towards some of my closest friends. Feelings I had no idea how to express because I believed coming out would be the “end”. I had nightmares of ridicule, of facing my fathers insane anger, My mother taking on the anger by blaming my “shortcomings” on her failure as a mother.

What helped me - I found a new world in an internet café near my school. In that little cubicle I decided to let out the “scared little boy” who I was so ashamed of. At first my time was spent just looking at pictures and videos of men, objectifying and at the same time feeling scared and ashamed that I was doing this, but also realising, and knowing the truth - that "this" is me! But every time I stepped out of the cubicle in that internet café I had to wear the mask and put on the costume, start acting. I was scared it showed on my face but that little café space was the first instance I truly communed with my authentic self - he was a scared little boy who had suffered so much trauma from my alter ego. My unconscious effort at being present and aware and being whole. The cafe was my life line to the world, It also led me to meeting people on chat rooms, meeting other gay men and boys - who thought me how to hide “it” well. Who gave me my first sexual experiences - utter joy in being myself, ecstasy immediately replaced by guilt and shame - more things to hide the vault was becoming bigger!. Was I handsome and beautiful or was I being used?, I would never be able to have a “Normal” relationship that I enjoyed. My love life would always be in the shadows, in dark allies and desolate spaces. But I must say with gratitude that this cubicle was my first counselor - I poured my heart out in chat rooms, I brought out who I really was in words and emojis. I also met other boys and men going through the same dilemma - I was not alone!!. Something was changing and I felt different from the core.

However crazy this all may sound to you (It did to me) so very early on I decided and told myself - “Dude you need to fake it till you make it!” and I did for years to come. I locked the vault and decided to be straight as an “arrow”.

What changed? … My first psychedelic experience triggered me and took me back to the little boy I chained up and hid. I realized that I may always be the life of the party but inside I was hiding a lifetime of sadness and in truth I was always hurting myself and the pain was now becoming unbearable. These emotions and feelings I had bottled up came out sometimes, without warning, at strange instances and were always triggered towards the people that were closest to me - The women I dated and my late parents - as anger, a crazy boiling hurtful anger that spewed out hateful words with ease and sharp accuracy. Looking back i realized that these moments always were triggered by alcohol, excessive alcohol use. I hated these moments but I also felt a great relief after these insane bursts of anger. I learnt to control this with “cannabis” this magical herb calmed me down and also helped me compartmentalize myself, to be Calm and cool and collect and handle the life I constructed around the vault of dark secrets - so that they may never be found out. Cannabis was and always will be my friend - a magical plant medicine. I abused the medicine to the point that it worked against me I became a “Hippie stoner” - and indoctrinated myself into a new world. Leaving the right brained city life behind I fully embraced the left: Creativity- this I realised was my first attempt at meditation.

Creativity was a release - I could paint and come up with ideas and also meet other people like me - people who had come out, people who were free - I spent more time chasing the feelings I had suppressed. Being free, Being utterly devoid of any responsibility, Being crazy, carefree and even reckless. I enjoyed myself but I still was not happy - because I knew I had my vault. It had been so long I didn't know how to get the door of the vault, how to access the crazy combination locks I had put on it.

I started to ask myself how? I started to spend more time by myself, I started to pay attention to my breath, I started to take on my fears head on. My fear of nature, animals, darkness and also my biggest fear being by myself. I knew I had to face my demons, My most fearsome demon had my face, and the worst part was that I realised that My demon was right and stood for everything I truly loved and valued in this life and that the person I had constructed around the demon was what I needed to dissolve and resolve.

I started a battle first only to realise that fighting myself is exhausting - and maybe the only way to end this wasteful, destructive and ugly war is to be open. To not fight but accept, to have compassion towards myself, to be open to “Love”. And ironically to “love” myself was the greatest and truly most difficult part of this journey - To forgive myself and to love who I am and be proud of who I am and to listen to myself first, to take it easy and breathe and to be aware of who I am and what triggers me.

What truly changed me was the moment I held my daughter in my arms - I was proud of myself I think for the first time and also utterly grateful that another being had chosen me to be her father!! And to be the best dad possible I had to be my most authentic self always - to love all the parts of me that I denied love, or else there was no way I could truly love this extension of my being I was holding in my arms. She is me and I am her - All my work to date leads to this very moment, to write these words to you now from every part of me. Gratitude to all the people who showed me the light - to all the amazing men and women in my life who have truly inspired me to be nothing but me! I love you and let's enjoy the ride.